I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
