i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
