I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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