My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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