my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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