I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
