When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
