you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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