just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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