he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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