when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
