i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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