I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
