I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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