she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
