spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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