I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
