Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
