i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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