i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just gargled with NyQuil
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
