i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
