I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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