I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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