I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
