Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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