Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
