I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
