either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She announced her abortion via fbk
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
