I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
