I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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