I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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