the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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