you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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