The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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