o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
