I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
