My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
