That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
