Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
