Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
