I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
