woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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