I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
