Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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