Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
