i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there was a trapeze. enough said
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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