so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
