Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
