im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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