I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
